This week I had what I hoped would be my last chemotherapy treatment, but sometimes you just aren’t that lucky. This week was chemo #15. That’s 4 chemo treatments of Doxorubicin + Cyclophosphamide (AKA Red Devil) and 11 of 12 treatments of Taxol. So I was always fully prepared to make it to #16, but after seeing some other women I follow (The Home Edit) end their treatments early, I was secretly hoping that would be me as well. My Oncologist kept hinting to me that if needed he would stop treatments. But, that meant he would stop if my body was struggling to fight through the treatments. If the side effects outweighed marking on paper that I finished all 16 treatments. Do I have side effects? YES! Exhaustion, sleepless nights, restless legs, headaches, body/muscle aches, hot flashes, possible start of neuropaty, and mouth ickiness (“it’s an industry term”). 10 points if you know what movie that quote is from 🧐

I get lab work every week just before treatment begins. My labs must be within certain ranges for me to get treatment. Except for a few slips up and down, I’ve been mostly steady, holding strong like bull! So this week when my Oncologist came and asked about my side effects I was honest. All the side effects are there, everyday, but not to the point that I can’t power through one more treatment. Could I have lied and said I was really struggling? Sure, but where is that going to get me? What would my mindset be if I cheated myself with a lie. Does one more treatment really make that much of a difference when I’m doing pretty good? Maybe, maybe not. Every person is different, every body absorbs medicine different. What one person needs, might not be what I need and visa versa. If my body and mind are up to the challenge and my Dr thinks I’m up to the challenge, let’s go ahead and get that #16. I want to stress the MIND aspect of all of this too. Waking up for treatment #15, thinking that it ‘might’ be my last I was extremely emotional. Thinking, “I’ve made it. I’ve made it through this part of my journey.” I’m not done by any means, but to think I would be able to put this part in my rearview mirror was an emotional thought for me. Wait until next week, when I know for sure it will be my last. I’ll probably be a blubbering blob. So next week, next week, will be my LAST CHEMOTHERAPY!!! Picture will be a big middle finger signifying the last “one”. 🖕🏻

Last week I met with my radiology team, because remember, ending chemo doesn’t end my journey. Buckle-up, we’re still riding this shit show. Walking into this appointment I wasn’t sure what I would feel. Honestly, I thought I wouldn’t have many emotions as I’m just walking through the motions of next steps and checking boxes. Boy, was I wrong. It felt like I was starting from scratch. Going to a new office location, meeting all new doctors, getting asked all the same questions I was asked before surgery and before chemo. Hearing the Dr explain the process and reiterating ‘why’ radiation was important. You know why it’s important? He told me. Because it increases my survival rate. What the fuck?!?! I mean, my Surgeon and my Oncologist used the same terminology but to hear it again and know that it applies to what I’m dealing with and what the outcome ‘could’ be. It’s like when they say that, I want to look over my shoulder and see who they’re actually talking to. It surely can’t be me, but it is. Ho-hum Debbie-Downer, mother fucker. I was also asked if I had a living will. Lovely. Hubby and I celebrated by going out for mexican food and margaritas. That is how we took charge. Cheers.

As we continued to talk, I will say I did like the Radiologist and the Nurse Navigator. So there’s that. I will have 28 rounds of radiation, this is all based on my original diagnosis. These 28 rounds are conducted daily, Monday – Friday. Side effects may include: fatigue, swelling, pain, skin burning, blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. Think of getting a sunburn in the same spot for 28 days straight. Shitty. I walked out of that office, with hubby, and immediately got mad all over again. It was the anger I felt when I was originally diagnosed. Why me? Why can’t I just be done with this? When they say life is a rollercoaster, I’m selfishly thinking, “my life is like the freaking Giant Drop right now.” BUT… I’ve got to keep pushing forward. Next week I go for a CT scan so they can map my treatment area. Radiation will then likely start the week of October 17th. From there, I’ll have a 28 day sunburn countdown, sun not included. ☁

Ending this blog post on a happy note… A couple weeks ago I had the honor of surprising my mom with a birthday party! It was my first time organizing a surprise birthday party. My oldest son and her actually share the same birthday. That made it easier to cover why we were organizing the house for guests (Evan’s friends), setting up the backyard with bags and ladder ball, setting up ping pong in the garage, stocking the fridge with soda/water. It was a much needed distraction for all of us as we’re all going through a shit show right now. Family and friends drove ALL THE WAY to Gilberts to celebrate her. She deserved it all. She’s an amazing mom with her strength and caring heart. She’s probably crying by now reading this, so I’ll stop here. Don’t worry, Evan was spoiled with presents since the surprise party wasn’t for him.

Thank you again for following my raw journey. Nothing is sugar-coated for you, because nothing was sugar-coated for me. Just “jump on in, the water is ice cold.”

As we move into fall weather you may notice it’s a little more “nippy” out, which should remind you to get your mammogram if you haven’t already done so. You’re welcome.